i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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