Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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