just tell him i said nine months
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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