We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
