i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
