Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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