And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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