I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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