Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
