My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
