I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
