it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
