I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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