there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we made out on top of his cat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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