She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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