Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
