I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
