just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The best revenge is premature balding
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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