Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When did angry sex become our thing?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
