i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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