Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
