im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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