11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
