I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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