I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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