I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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