I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
