You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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