We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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