Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my being single is dangerous.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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