I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
