What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
