Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
