I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
