Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
