mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
