I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
