Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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