Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
