You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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