I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
