When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
