dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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