My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
