Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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