man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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