i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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