I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
