Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
