my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
